So how did boxers like Azumah Nelson and other boxing greats manage to talk during post bout media interviews? Ei! Because memories of what Christiana Quaye did to me in 1987 then in Primary 6 came to mind. Beatings be what! I thought I was the man so I could defeat my classmate who was even older than me just because she was a girl!
After that fight I don’t remember the last time I involved myself in fisticuffs because Christie retired me long time ago! Her slaps on my face sounded like iron rods hitting iron sheets in a chaotic situation and the sound to my ears travelled far like a radio station that has suddenly experienced a dead air! You see that kind of sound? It enters the brain and comes out through the arm-pits.
The stars begin to multiply. That is when you would be wondering whether you are about to experience hell on earth or whether you made the right decision to even dare going into a fight. If you are unlucky and you have some jabs on your mouth, aish! Eating fufu with light soup with a lot of pepper becomes the judge.
Imagine a journalist’s microphone to your mouth at this time asking you about how the bout went. Ei, Bra Journalist, didn’t you watch what happened to me in the ring? That would have been my immediate response if I am even able to open my lips to talk to the media.
Nath Attoh, how do you guys manage to elicit ‘reasonable’ responses from boxers soon after a bout? In fact, who invented boxing? But Zoom Zoom was the man to watch in the 1980s and early. He taught us what the power of positive thinking is all about and the need to prepare adequately. He is the real Professor!
I have observed that anytime I decide to do fasting for God to do some miracle in my life, that is when all the sweet aromas of food and other things not necessarily ‘eaten by the mouth’ start crossing my path.
That is when fufu with light soup will waft across my nose tempting me to eat it!
Today for instance, I had declared it a day of fasting and prayers. Just when I was preparing to leave the house for work, that is when my wife took her bath and walked across the bedroom naked with torrents of water dripping down her body!
As if that was not enough and in what appeared to be an attempt to spoil my fasting, she bent down to pick something from under the bed in front of me. Alla! That’s why I was late for work today and my Boss has prepared a query for me to answer.
Me? I will tell him the truth o, hahahahahaa! Today is Friday and those of you doing side-chic, side chic things, be careful o. For some of us it has not really helped us though we are still managing…small small. Some men know very well that they have hernia yet would ask their side chic to do them ‘browjob’. Its only a matter of time – one day one day er…pray against asthma and hernia attack especially when you are in that state with your side chic.
But don’t do it in the car o. otherwise the way your car would start giving you problems er.
What kind of disgusting ‘job’ is that! Ah! All because of the small small 100 cedis and 50 cedis you would give her? Please don’t do that; allow me alone to do it. Hahahahaha! Remember, sin fascinates and assassinates.
When somebody who has never been married before is advising a married couple as to what to do in marriage, I laugh aaa and enter guest house! Such a person will often tell you what he or she has read from books that every married person can write about from their own perspective even after 3 months of marital experience!
I am sure you know by now that when you know you are about to fall and you fall, the pain is better managed than when you know you won’t fall and then you fall. No be so? That is the reason I think it is important to marry your enemy instead of your friend.
When your enemy does things you don’t like you are not surprised. But when your friend does something you don’t like, then you go like ‘what a shock!’.
Your ‘enemy’ is the one who does not pretend when in courtship with you but shows his or her weaknesses that you feel you cannot handle when you get married. Your ‘friend’ is the one who hides all those weaknesses ‘just to beat immigration’ and shows them only after marriage!
I once read an article somewhere I can’t remember. It was on Social Psychology and I learnt from it that one of the best strategies to resolve conflicts between two people is to put them together. When two enemies live together for a long time, they become the best of friends.
The reverse may however not be the same! True? Well, let’s give it a try especially now that we have come to the reality that when two friends live together for some time as husband and wife, many become the worst of enemies at certain times in their lives and if care is not taken, the marriage hits the rocks!
It is perhaps one of the reasons I am often very happy when people fail to invite me to weddings nowadays. In the past 5 years alone, anytime I meet ten of the people whose weddings I had attended, chances are that when I ask of their partners, 3 would tell me: ‘Charlie, the ‘thing paskal o’! That ‘for better for worse’ thing is the biggest deception during declaration of marital vows. ‘I do’ should also be replaced with ‘I will try’!
In my village, you can’t say ‘for better for worse’ in a shrine and do otherwise o. Hmmm! To be on the safer side, just say ‘I will manage’ – a manifestation of the fact that many of us Christians we fear the shrines more than we fear the Bible!
Small thing, I want divorce because ‘my partner did not meet my expectations’. You know why? Because you married your ‘friend’ and expectations from friends are very high and if not met, can be very disappointing. So marry your enemy o, yooo!
Did I hear it is believed that when wedding procedures are delayed, such events guarantee successful marriages? What an uninteresting joke!
Anyway, my concern is that when you marry your enemy, expectations are less and you take it easy with life and manage it like that.
Typical of this ‘useless column’ , let me digress as usual, why is it that when they ask us to start exercising, we refuse till it gets to that time in our lives when nobody advises us but we start jumping up and down by ‘hat’? ‘No pain no gain! No pain no gain! No pain no gain! ‘Instructor would say ‘stretch your legs’ and he will do it with his fat stomach. ‘Jump and twist’, he will comply.
‘Twist your ‘useless’ waist and he will do it. ‘Stop eating too many eggs’, he will now start eating fruits and vegetables. Stop eating too much meat and he won’t even try snails! ‘Bend down and hold your body’ and he will comply. Now, you go talk true.
For some time now, in order to honour all invitations to social events, on Saturdays, I put on black and white shirt. When I get to a wedding programme I would be accepted. I move to the next funeral and I am still fine.
So why don’t I thank my God if you fail to invite me to your wedding? Ah ah! I will only give thanks to God o!
As this year has run so fast, if you are single remember that the best person to get married to is your enemy and your expectations will be far less and you would live long. In any case when you marry your friend, he or she would definitely become your enemy from time to time and that is when you start getting upset over little little surprises!
Welcome to the best month of the year! December is expensive; be guided and as we celebrate Christmas, please don’t harm any live bird! This is not about birds!
The post Useless Column with Mawuli ZOBGENU: Dear Zoom Zoom, comma appeared first on The Business & Financial Times.
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