Useless Column: ‘The girls are coming’

This woman wakes up in the morning and prepares the children for school. She picks them in a taxi or trotro or her husband’s old car to drop them off at school and then continues to her work place. She struggles with other passengers on board a trotro whiles on her way to work. She is inwardly dealing with her personal problems some of which she would not find necessary to discuss with her husband. She gets to work sweating and had to settle quickly to get the work going. She occasionally gets the bashing from her Boss for one small thing or the other. She closes from work and had to rush to pick the kids back from school to the house. The kids would often do things to annoy her and she would be screaming on top of her lungs to get the often stubborn ones to do the right thing(s). She gets home with them and helps them with their homework. She prepares dinner for the whole house. She bathes them and gets them ready to bed before she comes to her husband to ‘do him show’. The strength of a woman? Not debateable!

On a more serious note please don’t expose yourself to your kids while at home. They are seeing everything. Four year-old Kofi during break time one day saw his class mate, Ama ‘weewee-ing’ and walked straight to her and told her with pride “herh Ama, you too you have some? This one my mother has some; my mother own is black”. Herh Kofi, what is black? Kofi is only a bad boy because his parents ‘showed’ him the way. That is the reason we have to be careful how we expose our bodies in the presence of our children at home especially after taking our baths.

Even one of my daughters as young as she is once told me ‘Daddy, please cover those useless things with your towel; you are embarrassing me’!

Another Ablavi just dropped and I wonder what she will do if I make the mistake of dressing up in her presence thinking she is a child so won’t notice certain ‘useless’ things on my body. Because I enjoy the company of girls see what God keeps giving me – girls girls girls. Thank God! Another girl. My only fear is that when she grows up with her sisters, boys may be doing her what I used to do to my side eyi, Ablavi and co. Karma time! That my Ablavi chic sef, I want to sack her but anytime I plan to do so, she will shake her these things in front of me and then I change my mind. What at all has this girl done to me han? Today, we break up; the following day, we are back together again.

Before the new baby Ablavi was born just last Tuesday she used to give her mom a lot of trouble. This my mother-in-law’s daughter also would not let me be just because her tummy has protruded as a result of the secret things I have been doing with her in the dark. I want to ask o, how do we manage to see even in the dark when we are with our spouses? God is good. Until you are married, you would never know that your best sight moment is when you are in the dark with your spouse – you see crearrrr! ‘Bring me the towel; no drop it there, and bring the sponge first’, this soap smells badly…change it’. At night, that is when she would tell you she is feeling for kokonte and hot pepper. TV remote control could be so close to her and yet she would want me to pick it for her. She would eat her jollof rice with okro soup. I once returned home and saw her sitting outside the house with water in her hand in the hot sun. She would pour the water on the dry hot ground and inhale the petrichor. Petrichor is that nice flavor you smell if water lightly pours on a dry and hot plain ground. You often would smell it when it drizzles slightly while the sun is still up. It is pronounced ‘petrikor’.

Then last Monday she complained of her stomach doing her something something. I rushed her to the hospital. Her NHIS refused to be recognized because the verification machine rejected it. It was then I got to know that the patterns on the thumb expand or contract when a woman gets pregnant and wants to give birth. When this happens, it affects the biometric verification of the NHIS card for some women in that state.

By 8pm on Tuesday, the forth naughty girl came out almost laughing at me especially when she saw a cat in the maternity ward taking to its heels upon seeing me coming. I still don’t know what that cat was doing in the maternity ward.

Naming is next week Tuesday. I don’t want too many family and friends to come and eat. When they all leave for work, we organize the ceremony. What name should I give this girl sef? I want a name that would scare the boys in the area when she turns 18 years!

Ok some of the names on mind which will not attract any boys are:

‘Ablavi Prosecutor Adziador Zogbenu Jnr, Ablavi Dzifa Zogbenu Jnr, Aborzokpo Borlu memey Zogbenu, Ablavi Alontey Zogbenu, Kafui Zogbenu, Mercedes Scrap Zogbenu, Akob3 Tatale Zogbenu, Esinam Betty Zogbenu, Datsormor Avudunu Zogbenu, Akpakalami Beauty Zogbenu, Mawuena Afanago Zogbenu, Sandezuwa Fatimata Gyaesu Zogbenu, Ablavi Gbagbladza Zogbenu, Ablavi Wifi Zogbenu,  Ablavi Tulasi (gun-in-hand) Zogbenu Waakye Zogbenu and finally Petrichor Afiadenyigba Zorkali Zogbenu, Pepper-Them Zogbenu. Trust me, these names would scare any naughty boy away. I swr!

Congratulate me er. To wake up at dawn and be doing that thing that sometimes requires pannadol extra is no joke oo. In spite of the above, I am still struggling to give her a befitting name that will be sweet and at the same time scare naughty boys away till she is ripe for marriage. Personal reasons, names like Shiela, Shirley and Gloria are on my mind but these names? Hmmm!

Though without any scientific proof, some people said I am not ‘borning’ a boy child because of what I have done to some girls in the past. I didn’t do anything; we just lied on each other to enjoy, no be so? They seem to suggest to me that ‘borning’ girls was some sort of ‘pay-back-time’ for men who like girls paaa. If this is true, how come my father gave birth to me and my brothers – four boys and four girls – same mother!

After this forth girl, it was almost concluded that my house needed a tall wall, a reinforced iron gate and a registered AK48 with a German shepherd dog. I am surrounded by neighbours most of who have boy children. Like I said before, if by the time my first daughter turns 18, Mr Agyei and his boy children don’t leave the area, I will relocate from the area.

I don’t know why some people are so obsessed with this ‘I want a boy’ thing or ‘I want a girl’ thing! What if God does not give you at all? Trust me, girl children are sweet in keeping company.

Please stop that thing o, yoo. After all, no girl smokes w**d, all things being equal. Girls will not leave the house under the pretext of having headache when cassava is on fire awaiting pounding of fufu. Now, they are even doing better academically. There is a Kweku in my area who finished WASSCE with aggregate thousand five. Anytime I see him, I thank God for my girl children!

Girls will spend time with their ailing parents when they are sick in the ward of a smelly hospital. They don’t mind if the patient lying next to her father is soiling himself or not. Girls will clean the mess. Can boys do all of these? All boys know is takashi and patapaa, not so?

I have never had a problem with whether it is a boy or a girl. Girl children are such a beautiful delight to be around with. With their ponytail hairdo on a walk to the mall? awwwwwwww! Simply beautiful!

The only problem I have is if I have to help their mother to change their diapers in their early stages in life. Chai chai cha! It is then you would realise that Jesus is Lord! These my girls eat eggs and meat so one can imagine the contents inside the diapers. Kai! You need vim to succeed.

Happy International Women’s Day to all our women!

God bless you all. As for us men, only God! I don’t think He is even paying attention to our prayers. If you want your prayers answered, treat your women well – God listens to them more!

You can call me ‘Baba Borngirls’. I don’t mind! I go born again – more girls! Hahaaaaaaa!

The post Useless Column: ‘The girls are coming’ appeared first on The Business & Financial Times.

Read Full Story