Useless Column with Mawuli ZOBGENU: Apor swerve

I used to be very worried about little little but important things at home until I changed since she won’t change or rather continues changing! For some time now, she has stopped sleeping in my bedroom. She sleeps in her room. When she needs it, she would come in the middle of the night to come and ‘collect’.

Please don’t ask me ‘to collect’ what o. Hahaha! Then recently she resumed sleeping in my room again. I didn’t say anything. Later, even though she sleeps in my room, she does so on the floor. I still didn’t say anything. Then last month, she started sleeping on our bed, or is it rather my bed again but this time round, her head goes down and her feet up, where my head is. You see that kind of arrangement where anyone can ‘fire’ after eating gari and beans and the other hears the sound and sometimes the odour – ehern!

Later I noticed that she would sleep in this position but in the middle of the night, she would turn to sleep head to head with me. It is only with this that I now I understand the principle of head-to-head in the game of football. Just last night, she was the first to go to bed and guess what – she slept across the bed denying me access and compelling me to sleep across the bed too – I slept on the floor!

Good morning to all those who are getting ready to get married this weekend. Hurrayyyyyy! You are welcome and if you are the man, you need shock absorbers – men have an equal responsibility to ensure the success of a marital union, so do women! That Judge would live for long. She is so wise. Faithful side-chics are now very happy! You see, the thing er, don’t do multiples; stay with one and judgement would be to your favour. That is how God wants us to worship Him in spite of anything. Don’t do juju in addition. This is not about juju!

You can’t please each other in marriage – just do your best and be grateful to God for giving you such an ‘incorrect’ partner like me.

One of the things I hated and never wanted to happen to me was to wear spectacles. In 2012 when the doctor says I should start wearing a pair of spectacles, I protested. In fact, I took it but never wanted to use it. Ten years on and I can’t read anything if there is no pair of medicated spectacles around. My wife knows the ‘weakness’ so anytime she needs my attention in the night, she hides my spectacles because without it, there is no way I could be doing ‘useless’ video calls.

So recently the WASSCE results dropped. For those who might have gotten ‘apor’ to score all the A’s they don’t deserve, it didn’t work. Some time ago, a certain Brother Nicholas is suspected to have bought apor from a source. The son obtained very good grades and was offered Mathematics at Tech! The moment of truth came – he withdrew himself after the third semester from the University. Prepare well and take your B’s and C’s like that. After all, the course you would be offered would fall in this ‘strength’. But A, A, B , etc. Na B.Sc Mathematics they would offer you and you no go fit, I suwear!

Wrong copying of other people is also the bane of many people. I recall writing a Mathematics exam. It was a mock exam. While I was struggling to do ordinary additions and subtractions, come and see this guy also seriously copying my work. When I noticed it, I laughed and laughed saaa and asked myself: ‘Upon all the Maths gurus here, it’s me you want to copy from, Asimo? Apor in any form would swerve you!

I always maintain that since creation till the next 500 million years, no two persons have the same fingerprint.

When people say or do things to prove that they are the best guys in town, I wonder if they truly are. The best guys attended the following schools. How can you behave as if you are the best guy in town when you have not attended ‘Katerko’, ‘Hemit’, ‘Otkass’, or Kimbuu secondary? In our days, these were the real guys who don’t fear anything. When there is a school rule not to speak vernacular, that is when you would hear a student confront a teacher for rebuking him: ‘Teacher, if you like come and bi this boy whether I skip Ga lo! (Come and ask this boy whether I’ve spoken Ga [vernacular].

One thing was for sure about students from these schools– they wore the neatest camboos. Greeetings o, Prof Paul Ampedu Yeboa, Chairman of the International Useless Column Confederation! Useless Column has no formula o. we write anything in a haphazard manner. Unnecessary satire stuff made of nothing.

English Language WAIC exam in 19 ninety something was such a confusing one. There was an essay question that required candidates to write about CHILD LABOUR. Honestly, I personally found it ambiguous. Ambiguous in the sense that I could not tell whether they were referring to how children can go into labour and give birth or the phenomenon that involves the use of children to do business at various places including stone quarries! After all, they are both ‘labour’.

Talking about labour, is it not strange to see a woman in labour discussing when to have the next child? It is also strange to witness this:

If you don’t use your head, your body will suffer!

Dzifa Anadzi wrote to me from Atlanta and that he read my article on my list of Ewe names and the meanings to their names and ‘collapsed’.. ‘Dzifa’ typically is thought to be the name of females not males but hey make no mistake – there are a lot of male ‘Dzifas’.

Dzifa Anadzi in the mid-90s was given his Legonn admission letter and guess his hall of residence on the letter…Volta Hall! Please remain here if you don’t know the gender orientation of Voltta Hall. Unfortunately, he did not notice it until he was driven away by the Hall Master of Vandal City for registering at the wrong hall.

Dzifa himself was not moved because according to him, that was his second experience after he gained admission to Accra Girls for his secondary education! He did only one day at Agiss before he was ‘sacked’ to Accra Hi where he’d actually wanted to be.

Please Togbe, tell our people something la ah! Let ‘Dzifa’ remain a female name forever oo, yoo! Naming males ‘Dzifa’ is becoming a problem.

Precious Doamekpor (meaning Tempt me and see) nearly died last week at the clinic. While waiting to be admitted in the female ward where a bed was prepared for this him or her, it turned out that Precious was a man and the male ward already got full because of the delay in getting him ‘genderly’ identified! His medications included Fostino2 and admitted to the maternity ward! Case close!

My own uncle, Gbagbladza who has 8 boy children didn’t want any more boys. All he wanted was just one girl which he morbidly craved for. Fortunately, his wife conceived again and recently gave birth. They were twins – a girl and a boy; he named the girl ‘Advantage’ and the boy … ‘Disadvantage’. Please add their surnames; for a clue, my uncle is called Gbagbladza (cockroach).

Have a lovely weekend and be careful what you say about people – it might not be true!

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