Letter to Senior Opupulepu (104)

“Fellow Garians… Oh How Sweet That Sound”
Dear Senior Opupulepu,
How are you do? As for me and my household we are doing fine, fine.
Senior, our Omanhene, Odinihuni Nana Onsurowuo Owuobiayeowuo, has done it again. Just the end of the last quarter moon, he came with those sweet sounding words, “Fellow Garians,” and things have started happening in Ogyakrom.
Senior, it was just one word that the Great Leopard said, and another pandemonium arose, arose, arose among a section of the villagers. The word Nana Odinihuni said that brought over-excitement was the word “Hot,” which he added to the word “Meal.”
Senior, when the Ogoglo Drinkers Association heard the word “Hot,” they refused to hear anything else again, and took it that our decent Omanhene was talking about our local gin drink, as in ogyateshie, distilled in Bubuashie and sold in Teshie.
Senior, these members of the Ogoglo Drinkers Association and other brother drinkers’ associations, decided that they knew the Omanhene made an omission when he declared that from henceforth, tomorrow to go, every Ogyakromian will be given free water in good measure, pressed down, and shaken together, and running over.
Senior, these professional drinkers first took water to literally mean what they know as “nsu,” and so went to the taps to fetch barrels of the water they know can make them see two-two, three-three. I am referring to hard liquor, the type and class you use one-eighth to pour libation and pour the rest down your throat.
Senior, unfortunately, what came out was water, yes, pure water and nothing, but water. The born-again drunkards and followers of Yesu Christus Emmanuel among them were compelled to fast and pray over the water to turn into wine, just as Yesu Christus did at that ayefro, as in wedding, at Canaan in Galilee in the land of the juice people.
Senior, these drunkards prayed from dusk to dawn and vice-versa and all over again, and still the waters were stubborn and refused to be born-again. In fact, the waters were hard-hearted like king Pharoah and will never convert into the spirit.
Senior, so when they heard “Hot” in the Omanhene’s speech, they knew that was the botanical name and chemical formula for hard liquor, as in hot drinks, and please hot drink here does not include tea, Milo or Bournvita. I mean “Hot, Hot!”
Senior, all the members of Ogoglo Drinkers Association and their brother associations marched to the palace to tell the Omanhene, “Ayeeko!” They went to thank the Omanhene for deciding to give them hot liquor.
Senior, sadness fell into their hearts and sorrow covered their faces like powder when they were informed that the Omanhene never said anything like that, but that he was referring to Hot Meal, as in fufu and aponkyi light soup. Many were those who walked away angrily, vowing to think twice before casting their lots in the next lot casting ceremony. Senior, never fear for your cousin, the Omanhene, because these people are not able to think once, let alone, twice.
Senior, another commotion settled among some villagers, and these were those who can think more than once and have never seen anything in two-twos, three-threes in the lives before, but they also had a peculiar problem.
Senior, they heard Odinihuni loud and clear, when he said he will personally provide nine square hot meals a day for every learner in school. Suddenly, all these over-aged personalities went swearing to a certain Auntie Afi Davies that their parents did not remember the day they borned them, so they did contact tracing of their ages, and had come out with the truthful day of their birth.
Senior, suddenly miracles started happening when people became younger than their eldest siblings. After changing their classical date of birth to neo date of birth, they headed straight to the nearest skuul to enrol under the Free Senior High School (SHS) scheme.
Senior, you see, before that could even be considered, there were entrance examinations to follow. As usual there was a short verbal examination, and below are some of the questions and answers.
Q: “Can you spell Orange?”
Ans: The fruit or the colour, please?
Q: “How was your night?”
Ans: I don’t know, Sir. I was sleeping.
Q: “We need very responsible students in this skuul, are you responsible?
Ans: “Yes, Sir. Where I come from, whenever there is any problem, they say I am responsible”
Q: What can you find at the end of the rainbow?
Ans: The letter “W”
Q: How many seconds are in a year?
Ans: Twelve, because every month has a second day…Jan 2nd, Feb 2nd, Mar 2nd…
Q: What two things can’t you eat for breakfast?
Ans: Lunch and Supper.
Q: What is the major difference between a bird and a fly?
Ans: The bird can fly, but the fly can’t bird.
Senior, look at people who want to go to skuul, and because it will be free, they will demand free examinations as well.
Senior, as for me, I am not among any of these people, so I am Dan, sorry I am Done.
It’s Me.
Hon Daniel Dugan

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