Dear Senior Opupulepu,
Senior, I know you are aware that whenever any thief slapper catches you the first thing he should do is to read you your Pepsi Cola, sorry, your Mirinda Rights, which go like this: “you have the right to remain shut up, anything you say including screaming will be used against you in a court of law. You are also aware that the thief slapper will then be slapping you the hardest and hoping you say “fii.”
Senior, before I greet you ‘how you are do’, I have the singular honour and privilege to inform you that, today as we speak, a certain old lady who is possessed with the Gift of Gifts but sits on the bench doing nothing, thought that she must make herself useful to society small, so she opened her mouth and proclaimed another right for all sons and daughters of Man.
It is called the Mari-Joana Rights and that is, “you have the right to remain naked, anything you put on especially to cover your something will be taken to court and used against you.”
Senior, now how are you do? As for me and my family we are do fine.
Senior, ask and ask again what happened. You see in this ewiasewe we have come to meet, there are some people who have pledge upon their honour to be faithful and loyal to the bush, their messiah land. These are the Jazz Right Hand Man people.
Senior, these people are so addicted to afforestation that they even grow forests on their heads. So whenever you see anyone carrying odum trees, neem trees, mustard trees or any such combination of trees, then you know you have met with a descendant of the Great Hail (not Mary) Selasi.
Senior, these people do not accept that in agriculture any plant growing out of place is a weed and must be cleared, burnt or turned into compose.
Senior, these descendants of the Great Hail (not Mary) Selasi, are born natural gardeners. They gather weeds and burn them and they joyfully sing and dance while bathing in the thick smoke. They value weeds and do not joke with them.
Senior, their eyes will turn red like fire as the smoke will navigate routes through their noses, mouths and ears.
Under this condition all you can hear them say is something which sounds like “Jazz Right Hand Man.” It may not make sense to you but they are seriously communicating.
Senior, as you are aware, these our local gardeners do not like to go to skuul. This was so until after our Omanhene Odinihuni Nana Onsurowuo Owubiayeowuo the Great Leopard, declared to all and sundry and sundry and all, that from henceforth today, tomorrow to go, all Ogyakromians must go to skuul and this is compulsory by force. And what more, it was going to be free.
Senior, these our local gardeners who have descended into ewiase in the image and likeness of Hail (not Mary) Selasi also decided to go skuul and so they cast lots to elect those to go through the agony of studying in skuuls under ceilings and not skuuls under trees, because nothing stupid should come under any tree.
Senior, the lot fell on one akupa called Tire-Rod and he too, instead of going to any of the anything-goes skuuls like Anyigba Hordzo Senior High, or Kwasia Bi Nti Senior High or any such low graded and rated skuul he chose and went straight into a certain skuul in the Achomo forest. Maybe because he saw the forest, he thought the skuul was his class.
Senior, he even went about bragging that he will help the skuul to top all skuuls in Ogyakrom and beyond when it comes to cultivating forests and burning weeds. So he put all his belonging in some old polythene bag and landed at the skuul in a full gardener attire, ready to grow plants and burn weeds.
Senior, unfortunately that skuul is only for those who think right and not left. The skuul is call Motowine, where students learn to assemble and repair motor vehicles and make quality wine for human consumption.
Senior, in fact, these students were from affluent homes where there were always servants who spoon feed them. They never wore any attire for more than four hours and always bath six times a day in a domesticated swimming pool they choose to call bath.
Senior, immediately Tire-Rod entered inside the skuul inside he was told the position of gardener was all filled so he should rather report to Parks and Gardens for relocation.
Senior, Tire-Rod said, “I beg your pardon Sir/Madam, have heard that our Omanhene says we should all go to skuul. So I have come. Show me where I can pitch my tent and give me plots to weed and cultivate forests.”
Senior, the Motowine chief executive and directors said “What, yebie! Away and seen here no more.”
Senior, this pained Tire-Rod and he and his family sold huge tracts of land to have enough money to go to court and beg any old man or old woman sitting on benches doing nothing to talk some for him.
Senior, the lot fell on this woman who Yahweh has bestowed upon to possess Gift of Gifts.
Senior, after listening to both sides of the argument divide, this old woman sitting on a bench doing nothing and possessed with the Gift of Gifts, decided to seize the opportunity to be seen as making herself useful. She pronounced that nothing stops any akupa or daughter of Eve from exhibiting their right to be in the form of the way they worship their deity. So it was wrong for the Motowine CEO and directors to ask Tire-Rod to go out of sight and out of mind.
Senior, what this old lady who sits on bench doing nothing but possesses the Gift of Gifts is saying is that if you worship where people must paint their faces with black, white and red powder and you do not appear so in public, you have flaunted the laws of ewiase and you must proceed to jail.
Senior, so also are those who their religion demands that they should throw eggs about and cut the necks of chicken, akonfem, sheep, goats, cattle and even elephants (I am not referring to the Elephant clan of which our Omanhene is an elder), and bath in the blood, they are to do so publicly without fear or favour.
Senior, this is the nicest and sweetest part. All those daughters of Eve who belong to a faith were they must walk around naked except for something they wrap from their front to their back to cover their something, leaving their top front plain for people to judge whether they have bobi stands or tatale, are to comply to the law and dress like that even when they step into civilization like any big hamlet.
Senior, oh how great this old lady who sits on bench doing nothing is. She truly possess the Gift of Gifts. So now as it is any such daughter of Eve who is fully covered can be arrested not only by the thief slappers but by any abled bodied akupa and told her rights that “you have the right to remain naked, anything you put on especially to cover your something will be taken to court and used against you.”
Senior, I am Dan, sorry I am Done, only waiting to catch any such daughter of Eve in full clothing.
It’s Me.
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