Dear Senior Opupulepu,
How are you do? As for me and my family, we are confused, so we do not know whether we are do fine or we are not do fine.
Senior, our Omanhene, the Great Leopard, Odinihuni Nana Onsurowuo Owuobiayeowu, preached his version of the Sermon on the Mount, this time, it was Sermon from Jubilee Hut.
Senior, in his sermon, Nana said that from henceforth, like just now, through tomorrow to go, only four scores and two tens of souls, who, like unblemished sheep, will be hand-picked, tied at the waist, and led to theYahweh’s House, and presented in front of His Altar for sacrifice, sorry for praises and worship.
Senior, this is very serious, because, once your name is not on that list, it means there is nothing you can do to save your soul. You can attend millions of conventions, crusades and healing services and respond to Altar calls and have billions of men and women of Yahweh laying their hands on you and scream, “Hari-baba-hari-baba,” in such loud voices that not only the walls of Jericho will come down, but the whole Mount Everest as well; nothing will change Yahweh’s mind; you are doomed forever until eternity ends. All you need to do in Dooms Land with Wofa Sasa Abosam is to pray that Yahweh, in His Mercy, will cut short the length of eternity. But when praying, make sure Wofa Sasa Abosam does not hear or see you. Don’t tell me when I am in Heaven and say I did not warn you.
Senior, you see, Nana, our Omanhene, decided to go to church small and pay collection, because ever since Kobby Nanti arrived, his two feet decided not to relocate inside church building inside. Last Sunday, however, Nana decided to show who was boss, so he went to church to pray, thanking Yahweh for not allowing Kobby Nanti to send many people from the village to the life hereafter.
Senior, whether it was the Osofo on duty who wanted to impress Nana, or whether he was so overwhelmed to have a whole Omanhene as great and important as the Great Leopard seated in his church, I do not know, but this Osofo, instead of reading the readings of the day, he flipped through the Holy Book and his crooked fingers landed on the Love Letter from Uncle Matthew, and inside paragraph 22, lines 1-14 inside. And he read out loud without face mask on the story about how a certain rich cocoa farmer decided to celebrate a feast in honour of his kobolor son called Tomasenu, who some unfortunate young lady had decided to take him just as he was, like that – for better for worse.
Senior, the overjoyed cocoa farmer, who never knew Yahweh loved him that much, called all his palm drinking colleagues to come over and feast with him. But each one turned down the invitation. One said he was going to marry a pure bred village virgin; another claimed he learning how to milk a new cow he had bought, and others had foolish excuses not to come and chop some free food small.
Senior, the Oga rich man became disappointed and vowed never to drink palm wine with them anymore. But the wedding party must come on, so he ordered and decreed that all nkwasia-kobis around must be invited by fire and by force.
Senior, this was done, and many were chosen, but unfortunately, one guy man, who was more broke than you and New-Gin combined, decided that he must dress properly, since he was going to a rich man’s domain. Off to Tema station, obroni-die boutique, he bought the best suit, shirt and shoes he could afford.
Senior, he was sitting coolly and was just about to tuck into a huge grilled chicken thigh when he was tapped on the shoulder, “Oga, wan see you, abi.” He thought his fantasies were about to become reality. He will be employed to wash all Oga’s cars. But how surprised he was, when told that once he dressed like a well to-do person, he must be an associate of one of Oga’s friends who turned him down. Because he was improperly dressed for the occasion he was thrown out of the party. This is the idea behind “many are called, but few are chosen!”
Senior, this is the story that Nana Onsurowuo heard and got inspired to make it mandatory for all churches and mosques to call many of their members, but choose a few to go to the presence of the Most High Yahweh.
Senior, one born-again, died-again, resurrected-again pastor took his calculator and made some calcus. He has a congregation of a flock of one thousand human sheep. Each Sunday service brought to his table one thousand six hundred and twenty-five cowries. By statistics, five people always gave fifty cowries each; ninety-five gave five cowries each; and the rest, which belonged to the coins department, give one cowry each every Sunday.
Senior, that amount was not enough for the pastor to spend and live on in a week, so he organises weekday sections, which pushes figures up to two thousand cowries. With that, how could he build a mansion, buy cars and travel abroad for holidays. Now that Nana insists on four score and two tens, if the top hundred are permitted to come to church, the revenue on Sunday will be only seven hundred and twenty-five cowries. He looked up to the mountain to see where his help will come from. His help will come from Yahweh, so he cried and said, “Yahweh, are you there? Come and help your man ooooooh!”
Senior, meanwhile, another man of Yahweh, who was determined to use all means possible to dry cassava while the sun shines, read from the Verdict from the Courts, paragraph 7, lines 1-7 and got inspired. Yahweh picked three hundred bow and arrow professionals from tens of thousands, because they drunk water like dogs and so if they were disarmed during battle, they can bite the enemy.
Senior, Prophet/Pastor/Evangelist (PPE), Samuel Yaw Kwesi Kaketo, of the Modern Gospel Revival Healing Prophetic Church International, got inspired by the words he read and decided that he had got an inspiration from the Holy Spirit.
Senior, he sat down and picked up a plan. He placed his congregants into three categories; the First Class people, who can give huge sums of money without thinking about the coming Harmattan season; the Business Class people, who will give because they want to be noticed so that they can get business contacts and deals easily, and the Economy Class people, who will think and think before parting with their money, which will always be in coins or single cowry paper.
On the first day of return to congregational worship, he will mount a barrier at the entrance of his church and stand by the gallery window, and through an intercom, he will give directions to his security detail on who are to be invited to church.
Senior, I have very reliable sources that those who have good money to offer in church have decided to continue staying at home and do online services until Kobby Nanti returns to where he came from. Those eager to go to church are those who have nothing and struggle every day and will want to seek the face of Yahweh for Him to remember them small.
Senior, this “Many are called, but Few are Chosen,” is going to bring wahala to some men and women of God.
As for me, I am Dan, sorry I am Done.
The views expressed in this article are the author’s own and do not necessarily reflect The Chronicle editorial stance
The post Letter to Senior Opupulepu (95): Many Are Called But Few Are Chosen! appeared first on The Chronicle Online.
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