The critical role of emotional healing in leadership

By Patrick Sassou ABAH-DAKOU

“I can’t take it any more. I can’t take it any more,” were the words of an executive during an emotional intelligence training some months ago. She could not hold back her tears anymore before the other executives.

Her emotional reservoir was full of negative emotions and pains and was just pouring out while responding to my question, “how do you handle bitterness, anger and frustration as a top executive?” She did not mind anymore who could hear her.

“I am not able to let go this bad feeling. I felt humiliated by the comment of my MD during our executive meeting. This has been poisoning my life for sometime now and I have begun to lose confidence in myself,” were the words of another top performing executive.

These feelings expressed in these two case studies are common these days in the corporate world. The inability of leaders to express their emotions the right way can negatively affect their performance, the performance of the team and cause harm to the entire organization.

In this article, we will first define negative emotions, and explore how to express our emotions effectively. Finally, we will suggest ways to experience emotional healing.

Definition of negative emotions

According to the Psychologist Dictionary, “a negative emotion is usually an unpleasant or unhappy emotion, which is evoked in individuals to express a negative effect towards an event or person.” These can be anger, emptiness, frustration, inadequacy, helplessness, fear, guilt, loneliness, depression, overwhelmed, resentment, failure, sadness, jealousy and shame, to name a few. Many leaders potentially experience these emotions.

Effectively expressing our emotions

According to Sigmund Freud, “unexpressed emotions will never die. They are buried alive and will come forth later in uglier ways.” Many educational systems in primary, secondary and tertiary focus on helping children, who become adults, to develop their intellectual quotient which is the ability to think, resolve questions and be analytic. Majority of the leaders in the marketplace have not learnt or been taught the importance of being an emotional intelligent leader and how to intelligently express their emotions.

According to Genos International, being emotionally intelligent means, “making intelligent responses to negative emotions in order to generate positive emotions in self and others through being present, empathetic, genuine, resilient and empowering in our behaviour as often as possible.”

Daniel Goleman expresses it as, “a person’s ability to manage his feelings so that those feelings are expressed appropriately and effectively.”

For leaders to effectively express  their emotions, they must know who they are by understanding and managing their own emotions and also understanding and managing the emotions of the people they are leading. This means developing great self-awareness and awareness of others, which are some of the competencies of emotionally intelligent leaders.

Emotional healing

“The weak can’t forgive for forgiveness belongs to the strong.” Mahatma Ghandi. “

According to Alan Paton, “When a deep injury is done to us, we never recover until we forgive.” Many years ago, I was working with a bank which was a Group and had many affiliates. I decided to relocate to another affiliate in order to further my education and to pursue my career in an English environment.

The job grade and salary offered by the English affiliate bank was lower than what I was being paid at the former affiliate. I accepted the offer in order to be able to work in the new environment. When I resumed work, I realized that the cost of living in that country was much higher than I had anticipated. I became bitter against the organization and it started to affect my performance negatively.

I attended a Conference where the speaker spoke about the dangers of unforgiveness, its negative impact on your career and the need to be emotionally healed. I chose to forgive the HR Head of that organization and even the organization. Then I shared my decision with a good friend who was a senior colleague, an accountability partner. He advised me to see the MD of the organization, which I did.

The only question the MD asked me was, “Do you have with you the proof of your grade of your previous workplace?” I could not believe the outcome that my decision to forgive produced. The MD asked the HR Head to pay the difference of salary for the two and a half years I had been paid less. I experienced the miracle and beauty of forgiveness and letting  go bitterness: an unforgettable experience of personal emotional healing.

Once we decide to forgive, we become free and the chains of bitterness which hold us captive lose their power. We can experience emotional healing, see opportunities, and experience peace.

Below are some questions and assertions which may help us let go and forgive in order to start our emotional healing journey:

• In the situation in which you are, who is suffering? You or the offender?
• Who has been imprisoned by the situation?

Do not let go or forgive for the benefit of others but for yourself as the first beneficiary.

• What is that one thing you could do now that would make the biggest difference in your life/ marriage/ workplace?
• Refuse to be offended and be quick to forgive in order to remain emotionally heathy
• Who have you agreed to be accountable to in this area?

“The sores will heal. They healed before. It’s the wounds inside that will take the longest to heal” – Michelle Magorian (Author of Good Night, Mr. Tom)

How long it takes a wound to heal depends on how deep it is; no wound can be healed in a day. Just as it happens with a physical wound, an emotional wound takes time to heal too. The first step is to recognize and identify the source of a wound. Then, make the decision to let go for your own good.

Conclusion

In conclusion, organizations must invest in the training of their leaders in order for them to become emotionally intelligent by embracing self-awareness and awareness of others but also in emotional healing awareness, because a wounded leader cannot lead effectively.

 “Forgiveness doesn’t change the past, but it does enlarge the future,” advises Paul Boose.

>>>the writer is Founder and CEO of P&F Coaching International. Genos Emotional Intelligence Certified Coach & Certified Leadership and Executive Coach, ACC (ICF). Board Member of ICF (International Coaching Federation)-Ghana Chapter. Consultant, International Facilitator and Entrepreneur. Patrick has trained a 1000 Middle and Top Executives of 19 companies in more than 18 countries in Africa and outside Africa in Emotional Intelligence and Leadership. (P&F Coaching International, your emotional intelligence development partner) [email protected]; [email protected]; https://www.linkedin.com/in/patrick-abah-dakou-0582a519b

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